Trapped

I feel trapped.

i don't know why or who that made me feel like this,
or may be i do know who or rather those that are responsible,
but i kept insisting that it's nothing more then a river in Egypt.

It seems that every thing i do is being seen as though i'm being a kid
a brat.

while in some cases,
the only timt they do come to me is when they are bored.
yeah we should talk about it.
but it's like because i'm all talking again
made this whole episode a little dream that has not happened in reality.
Or is it just none of you border to read my little brattish life
and only a few who isn't involved in the whole saga
cares about how i feel,
how i'm thinking,
and if i'm just generally
okay.

I think it's ironic that those who care are
those i never knew care that much to read and message me about it all.

but those i really want to care is pretending nothing has happened?

i wonder that if they ever stop and wonder that
i may be willing to go walking around after work with them?
and not to assume thta i don't want to go?
will asking hurt?
when informing me your are not taking the train cause you all are meeting up?

when i talk about some sacastic remarks or just commenting,
your will give comments such as "some people rich mah"
or that sort of rubbish?
so what if i love buying things from that store,
so what if i don't buy things from where you all normally shop.

it doesn't mean that i think i'm way above you all and i don't shop there.
have you considered that i just don't like the crowed that is always in those places?
I dare say that the money you all spend shopping both in town and online in a year
is far more then what i spend in that store i love so much in a year.

why do i always seems to have money to spare in my atm?
may be because i don't spend it like water,
may be because i don't shop online?
may be because i gave up on may trinkets that caught my eye?
and just may be,
this spolit brat just like to SAVE her extra allowence
and not spend it on superficious things?
or a pair of slippers that cost almost a hundred?
or spend hunreds of dollors on boyfriends for ANY single reason?
or just go on a shopping spree when the mood comes?

Or is being a spoilt brat just mean "some people rich mah"
I may be picky about the quality of things i use,
but i do know the concept of extravagance and necessity,
and to you maybe,
i do have the concept of trifty in my dictionary.

many has told me there is no point trying to 'salvage' friendships
that has caused me so much pain.
to put up with people who will write my comments of as being
a child or being bratty.
to insist that i'm not being used by those who calls themselves my best friends.

yet, i just couldn't put down the years of friendship.
the years of pain and trouble we all get into together,
the years of joy and laughter.

yet, it hurts when you all could just joke about the darkest part of my life.
joke about my pain like it's some form of entertainment.
seeming pissed as i did not do the worse in the end.
treating me as a form of entertainment,
a back up plan,

a loser.

and yet even after all that,
i still held on to the thin fray of hope,
that may be,
you all will one day be the friends whom i could lean on again.

Labels: Random

sketched by Pamela Peh | at 19:48