I do feel, I do mind

I swear it here and i swear it now.
If and when i ever ever got a boyfriend,
I'll never use him as an excuse,
to not be part of a special event organised by my close friends.
Nor will i spend the whole event talking about him.


Because i know the feeling of being ignored by those who say they care.

Call me hardheadded,
stubbon,
unrealistic,
unable to accept changing times,
unable to understand because I don't have a boyfriend,
or whatever else you want to call me.

I may not know the urgging need to go see that special someone,
not know how it is to not see that special someone for some time,
but i know,
that no matter how much i love,
how much i miss that special someone,
i will never, ever,
ignore a close friend for him.

For almost a year i had kept it seep in my thoughts,
agruments, hinting how i feel never seems to get through.
And they wonder why i'm so reluctent to go out with them.

i remember that special day of mine,
meeting up to celebrate.
Yet,
the entire meal is spend talking about their own special someone.
And i alone sit there,
not knowing who they are talking about,
not able to join in in plans of meeting up,
and then spend the rest of the time doing what they like,
what they what,
thngs they know i abhore.

Yet, i don't think they ever notice.
Do they?

Call me unable to put the pass behind me,
but i was the last to know about every single thing,
finding out due to slips of tongues.

feeling already left out due to the posting,
their conversation never seems to help.

When i talk about my possible special someone,
all i got is disagreements,
i understand you care about the personality of the possible one,
but maybe i'm already aware of it all,
even more then you all do?
and yet i think it's worth it?

Call me dumb,
call me naive,
say i'm being used,
but what if i'm aware of the on goings right from the start,
and is just taking a risk.
I may not be as smart achedemically as you all,
but i'm not dumb.
I know,
and i understand.

I tried to be blend in,
i really tried.
But how can i when i don't see your new friends enough to get comfortable,
but knowing me longer,
shouldn't you know i'm not comfortable with strangers at the start,
your friends are strangers to me,
meeting once,
or twice,
does not make me feel 'buddy buddy' with them.

I accept that people change,
people make new friends,
think i don't know?
Wasn't i the one bring thrusted in to a strange environment all alone,
to make new friends who i can trust and have fun with?

I may spend alot of time online,
but i do have a social life.
I do have other things planned in my calender.

I too have friends to call and meet up with,
friends that will just talk to me about anything,
but you don't see me draging any of them to a party of mine with you all,
cause i know i will not be able to make you all merge and be buddies that fast.
And i know how it feels to be left out by the only ones you know there.
And you wonder why i don't what to go with you all to 'party'.
It's because i'm sick of feeling left out.

Why can't your accept that i don't like some of your friends,
it's not like you all like those i hang out with.
You all say it's cos i don't know them well,
but do you know mine well?

Why do i feel that you only look for me when you are bored.
Look for me when none of your friends are free.
It's seems i'm always the back up plan, never the 'Plan A'.

It seems none of you understands me any longer,
am i the one who have changed,
or is it you all?
I said i don't mind,
but what else can i say?
It's okay to get back what i got,
it's okay because i said so.
It's okay becase i won't mind.
But what if i do?
I just don't want to say it out to make things difficult,
but in the end,
i'm the one what suffers my own 'consideration',
and have my fear thrown into my face,
and have my holiday mood trashed.
Call me over sensitive,
say i should have said something.
Yet,
when i ever express my unhappiness,
or my disablility to understand,
i became,
difficult,
unable to accept life,
unable to accept changes,
other piorities.

And you asked me why.

Labels: Random

sketched by Pamela Peh | at 19:47